..I wonder..is it so hard or I just don't know what love really is?..I mean,I DO have some feelings for a certain person but...for a last few weaks I just feel,whenever we talk with each other,that he is just a good friend but not a boyfriend of mine...Everytime I say "I love you" or "I need you" ..I just don't feel that I really mean it..Does it make me a bad person?I wonder.Is it like this with all people?I don't know.I hate all those feelings in me.It's like a war between two people inside my body.One says:"You love him,'cmon.Go to him.Kiss him.Hug him.Tell him you love him." and my body starts to react to that..And I go and when I stand in front of him that second voice in my head tells me:"..Is it really what you want?I think not.Go away.Be alone.You can't be hurt that way.Just go.Leave him be.Without you..he'll be better of without you.Trust me.I know."..and I turn around and I go back.Never even telling him why I came to him in the first place.He stands there confused,staring at me.And I have no idea what to do.I just think about which voice should I listen to.And then I ask myself-do I love him or not?And everytime I do so..my mind remains quiet.Even my heart starts to beat slower,like trying to hide from the question because it knows the answer.I stand there alone.Not looking at him.Not looking at all those people around him.Ignoring them.I don't give a fuck about them.I never did actually..Is this the reason I can't answer that simple question if I love him or not?that I ignore everybody...then why should I pay any attention to him?Is that really the reason?Is it me and my incapability to trust nor love somebody that makes this so hard for both of us?I wonder.Am I selfish?I don't know...And I stand there some more minutes.Looking down on my shoes.And it's like I forgot what was I thinking about earlier and I start to think about buying myself a new pair of converse.They're all dirty and old.I say to myself.Some kids are staring at me whispering something.Probably something about me acting wierd.But as usual I pay them no attention,still thinking about those new converse.And then it is like I switch back to my original thought and ask myself again-Are you happy this way?..It takes me less than a second to make a big grin on my face and answer loudly-"YES!I am!In my wierd twisted way,I am." I love him and I hate him.I would die for him and I would kill him.I would give him everything I have and I would take everything he possess.Sometimes I'm just standing in the woods alone,enjoying the melody of rain and thinking of how can be humans so selfish,so hatefull and so loving and so selfsacrifising at the same moment.I never understood.
Sitting here at Coffee Heaven,place which me and my friend Helen call „Home“ ,looking at my cigaret burn and writing this crap isn’t really helping me to figure out what love means but at least I enjoy the nice taste of my Latte with just one little paper bag of sugar in it.I look around and see tons of people taking their lunch break here at C.H. . Are they happy?Are they sad?They seem to turn off all emotions just for them to enjoy the nice taste of their favourit coffee .I envy them.They seem so happy with their little cup of gingerbread vanilla latte or mocha frostito or whatever they order themselves…they just look like they have no other purpose in this live than sit here on the comfy couches and chairs and enjoy the hot or cold feeling in their throat,depends on what they drink at the moment ofcourse.Some are reading the daily newspapers some are looking blindly at their cup.Some are talking to someone sitting near them some are just sitting their alone smoking their favourit brand of cigaretts.And I’m one of them.I sit here quietly,writing about them,smoking my favourit Blue Viceroy Special with dual filter.They say that dual filters wount kill your lungz so quickly, but I think it‘s just a commercial bullshit trying to make people worry less about their health and buy more decks , that’s all.Looking at how much those people smoke I think they don’t have to worry about some stupid dual filters at all…It wouldn’t help them.Their lungz are rotten through and through.But as usual-I don’t care.Why should I care about somebody I hardly know?I see no point in doing so.Ofcourse I could go to them and start with a lecture of how dual filters work and that thay are really useless but what would be the point of doing it?They would just probably look at me with that odd look on their faces and ignore me or they could just..I don’t really know would the reaction would be.And I don’t really care about that eather.
Something attracts my attention.I look at the place where the doors should be..well if they had those they would be exactly at that place..I have never seen so beautifull creature befour.A boy,about 185cm tall,dark hair,I think they are black but when the person comes neerer I can clearly see that the boy’s hair are dark brown.He turns around looking at my direction and I see his beautifull sky blue eyes.I have never seen so beautifull eyes in my life!He noticed I was staring at him like a tiger prepared to run for his prey.He gave me a shy „hi!“ and a sweet smile and then walked away from C.H. .What was he doing there?He didn’t even order himself a coffee.Did I scare him away?I wonder.My heart just couldn’t stop beating so hard and I felt a little dizzy.I drank the water that I have always prepared for drinking after each cigarett because I always feel like I’m about to gag after finishing each of them.But anyway,I was still wondering why that gorgeous being came here in the first place.Was he looking for somebody?Don’t think so.He wasn’t in a hurry.Oh,those eyes…I would give him everything just for one last look in those eyes.And that body,that face,that smile,he was pure perfect.
Looking at my half drank Latte with only one little paper bag of sugar in it,made me think of it‘s color and how beautifully it gleamed in the light.The color was nice and the scent of it was gogeous and it tasted really good.Oh God,I could sit here forever and write this nonsence if only I could smell this coffee forever.It makes me so relaxed and tired at the same moment but I like it...
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ElItE tEaM 6